Saturday, January 13, 2007

Katie

I started drawing again. Drawing used to be a huge part of my life. But after Katie died, I drew a picture of her and Meghan, and then I stopped drawing. It was like I put everything inside of me into that one, and then after that, I couldn't do anything else without being over-critical or freaking out that I'd lost my ability to draw or whatever. But one night when I got home last week I sat down, pulled out a picture and just started drawing again.

I usually only write when something is really heavy on my heart or mind... but right now, it's not really one of those times. The Lord has brought me through so much over the past year that I feel like this is "the calm" in between. Healing, as weird as it may seem, is a hard process to go through. I'm realizing that. But as the Lord heals me, I feel more and more free than I ever have before. I wish people here could see it, but they don't. I don't know why. It takes so long to get to know people... so long. Maybe that's why its so hard at this age to make new friends... just b/c people already have theirs and they don't want to try anymore or be vulnerable with anybody else. It's sad really. I don't know how I started thinking about that. On the way home last night, after going to see a movie with a friend, I just got really really homesick for heaven. I think that may be a part of the calm, part of the healing. It's like reaching a new plateau. You climb for so long and then level out for a little bit. Then you start all over again. Its usually after He's stirred things up and then started to settle them down again that I really just want to go home.

And then I started thinking about Katie last night. I have a video of her somewhere that I want to pull out and watch. I miss her right now. Her smile, her laugh, her mannerisms.. her forgetfulness.. everything. She had the most radiant smile, the most beautiful eyes. I wonder why God took her. Not even that he took her really. The only reason I say that is because the last thing she wrote in her journal was that she just wanted to be with Him. What kind of love relationship is that?? Really. I wish I could have been inside her heart and mind. To know that you are going to fall off a cliff and turn around and look at your boyfriend and friend in the eyes and just.. go.. and not even scream? To just be so ready, that you just embrace death? She was just SO IN LOVE with Jesus that she wanted to be with him more than anyone else. And its nights like last night when I just want to go home that I really miss her... because she's with him.

I wish memories didn't fade. I wish there were a way to hang on to their vividness. In two weeks, it will have been 4 years since she died. Yet sometimes, when I remember her, my breath catches, my heart aches, my eyes water, and it feels like yesterday. Yet... to see where we are now. Oh, how He has restored us and brought us back to life. I look at pictures of people from our group and the light is back in their eyes, joy in their hearts, peace in their souls. It would not be as great a story had He not restored us like he has.

To live with that kind of abandon. To love with that kind of love... selfless, expecting nothing in return, pure. To have your heart, mind, soul, spirit, everything inside of you so set on one thing that not death itself can make you afraid. No she wasn't perfect. She was human. But this is her legacy.