The Eruption by Jen Abbas at age 18

divorce

is like a trembling earthquake

the world shakes

rumbling with rage

and all the anger

guilt

and all the frustrations

that have been festering for so long

below the surface

suddenly spew upward

in an inferno of hate

or apathy...

at times

the earth calms

and you think

the turmoil is over

settled

stable

but

then the cycle begins again

repeating

repeating

repeating

you are weary

you want to rest

and that is when you realize

the shaking has stopped

but

there is an eerie feeling

lurking in the air

you are hestitant to believe

anything

anymore

you are so tired

after struggling for so long

and so you rest

on the last solid patch of land

only to watch it split in two

two

separate

distinct

parts

that will never

come together

again

each new patch

supports part of you

and as you watch

they pull away.



The Mistakes of Our Fathers

I went home this past week to be with my family for Christmas. It's still hard to split my time between my parents, and I still tiptoe around the topic of one when I'm with the other. I had a confrontation of sorts with my dad one day. It's really difficult to believe someone has truly chosen something which isn't in his or her best interest, but no matter how many different ways you explain it, it goes in one ear and out the other. I hate feeling like he listens to everyone else but his children. But at the end of the day, its his choice, its his life. I cannot choose for him, and I really wish I could have faith that he's making the right decision. I think one of the hardest things is to suddenly one day realize your parents are people just like you and me. They make mistakes, they have baggage, and they're broken, too.

So many times their brokenness and baggage gets passed down from generation to generation, which creates a cycle of destructive behavior and abuse if its not handled correctly. I look around me and see so many people who have been through much worse things than I have, and I wonder how they're still walking and breathing today. Sometimes I think its a miracle we turn out as whole as we do.

I am so thankful my parents don't put me in the middle or use me against eachother... I cannot imagine how difficult and heartbreaking that must be. But no matter how much I disagree with so many of their choices, I'm learning that good or bad, those were their choices and now we all deal with the consequences. I've definitely learned from their mistakes, and I pray certain aspects of both sides of my family do not carry on through me in the future. My mother wanted those things to end with her and my dad, and maybe the end result is the divorce. Maybe my brother and I had to go through this with them in order to learn from their mistakes and not allow those things to carry on past us. I will not pass those things on to any children I may have in the future.

I have so many thoughts on cycles of poverty, abuse, lack of education, etc. I get so frustrated with parents of our kids at my internship, but I have to realize many times these parents are doing the best they can. I have to wonder what kind of parents they grew up with. Considering their parents behavior, anything better than that, although not healthy and constructive, is probably considered okay as long as they aren't treating their kids as poorly as they were treated as children. Does that make sense?

It's late and I'm rambling now, but maybe someone can understand my ramblings and hopefully identify with them. I'd love to hear your thoughts either way. Leave a comment, I'll respond. Let's dialogue with eachother.

Raw

My parents got a divorce a couple months ago after being married for 37 years. They were my "go-to" marriage, my role models. I knew marriage could work because they'd had hard times and had worked through it.

And yet here we are...

How do you grieve the loss of what you always believed something to be? I, personally, have no idea...

So under the rug it goes. Or maybe on top, and I roll up the rug and put it in the attic. Out of sight, out of mind, out of my heart. And yet, as things always do, it caught up to me. The rug rolled itself right over to that pull down ladder, which fell open... on my head, and my heart.

The hard part is that I understand why they got a divorce. I get it. It makes total sense to me, and I'm not angry at them. But I am angry. I'm hurting. I don't know how to grieve.

So many defenses have kicked in. I don't want to deal with it. Not that it'll make it go away, cause it won't. But I cannot make my heart understand the logic in my head. And maybe one of the worst things about all this is how disillusioned I've become. Cynical, jaded. For now, I refuse to go through what they went through. I'd rather be single than put myself in a situation where I'd end up getting a divorce. (As my therapist said, "Wouldn't we all?" Isn't that just a given? If we knew the outcome of everything, we would choose not to go through most of life for fear of hurt.)

My point is this... I know in my head that I am not my parents. I know my experiences are not and will not be the same as theirs. But try telling that to my heart right now.

I went to my therapist a couple days ago for the first time in almost a year. I didn't resolve anything, and now instead of not feeling anything, I feel raw and vulnerable... As if someone's ripped the bandaid off the gaping wound to flush it out, dry it out. I know healing takes time. Time and pain. This is just a pain that doesn't go away. Even in the best and happiest of moods, it lingers in the background whispering to my insecurities and cynicism.

But as healing also goes, however, I know with time the pain will lessen. It won't go away, I'll just become accustomed to it.