I have had so many thoughts just running constantly through my mind, and I can't seem to quiet them. A good friend came to see me this past weekend. Her mother and my dad went to camp together way back when, and then our parents all knew eachother in the college days. Our parents have been friends since, and we were thrown together in the process.
Somehow being around old friends allows us to catch a glimpse of how we have changed. I didn't realize how much I have changed over the past 7 months until she came. God has a funny way of making changes in our lives, and how incredibly true is it that the change we remember the most are the hard changes.
God has continued to strip away all the things in my life that are unnecessary and unhealthy, and it's been so difficult. If you have gone through this, you understand me. A story that the minister at church told on Sunday put all of this in a new perspective for me.
He told of a young girl, still being potty trained, that didn't quite make it to the bathroom. Her father took her to her room and lay her on the bed to change her clothes. She kept wiggling and moving around so much that he couldn't change her clothes. Finally he told her that if she didn't stop moving around that she would fall into the trashcan beside the bed. This quieted her down for a minute, but she soon started to wiggle again. He reminded her of the trashcan, and when he did, she responded, "Yes, daddy, I will. But you will get me out, and then I will dance."
Everyone laughed at her response, but it struck somewhere inside me. As of late, I have experienced sad days, good days, lots of up and down days, full of trying to understand why God asks certain things of me. And frankly, I felt like I was sitting in a wasteland some of those days... a wasteland of the soul.. the soul that knew no joy and could feel no hope for tomorrow, waiting in the darkness for His mighty hand to reach down and save me. One of those questions that I ask a million times over again is why I have to struggle with depression. Maybe its my thorn in my side, constantly reminding me that his grace is sufficient, reminding me that no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect, reminding me that the longer I fight what God is trying to do in me, the longer I keep myself from getting to where he wants me to be and experiencing his joy.
As I overcome these thoughts and misconceptions/misperceptions about life and spirituality and God and Jesus... and myself in the midst of it all, I start to see things a little more clearly. I find that even though I still dont feel like I have much to offer, I find moments where I want so badly to give something to someone... anyone. No matter whether its a card or helping someone load their groceries into their car... I think God is showing me day by day how to take the passion that I saw in Monterrey and transform it to fit this life here. I did something this weekend that made my friend stop and ask me why... It was one of those things that I did without really stopping to think about. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And when she asked me why I did it, I realized that my heart had become soft again. I had to explain to her that in all of my brokenness and need, God had taught me how to see the need of others, and who am I to turn my face away from that?
So... To carry on with the story of the little girl... I feel like God has seen me sitting in my wasteland of the soul and has taken my hands to lift me out into the clean, bright freshness of his grace. But.. instead of letting go of my hands to let me dance and twirl on my own, he still holds me there leading me in the steps. Whether it be the two step, the electric slide, salsa or tango... he has not let go of my hand... and we will dance together.
