More Important Than That

I was challenged and convicted tonight as we sat together and spoke of the man who wanted Jesus to wait for him to go and bury his father before leaving to follow him. (Matt. 8:21,22) Jesus' response? Follow me, let the dead bury the dead. The implications of this really hit me hard. Ever since Katie died, closure has been an absolute necessity for me.

The last time I saw Katie was Friday morning, January 31, 2003... She died the next morning in a climbing accident. I never saw her again. Because she was alive the last time I saw her, I spent the next month waiting for her to walk around the corner or come out of her dorm... Every tall brunette with a blue jean jacket was Katie. Every time I heard her name, my heart jumped as I turned around to look for her, and it broke all over again as I realized once again that she was gone. I don't remember how long it took me to get past looking for her everywhere I went or to stop waiting for her to appear. But ever since then, closure has been a necessity.

When I think of Jesus telling this man to follow him and not go to bury his father, my heart breaks for the man... It doesn't seem fair. He would have to leave his mother or any other family, not go to his father's funeral, and follow Christ... It wasn't like Christ waited for the man's response, and then pulling him aside he tells him to go and bury his father, that he would wait for him. No, he said follow me... let the dead bury the dead. Here Jesus is saying "I am more important than that. Follow me." ...I am more important than your father, more important than your family, more important than your desires, more important than life itself... follow me.

I am convicted. I am ashamed. I long to love Christ like that... to leave all and follow him. To just lay it down... to believe in something so much that nothing else in life matters. Lord, please help my unbelief!

Trusting with My Eyes Closed

If I could for just a few minutes have an end to this relentless thing...
This trusting with my eyes closed
Maybe then I could see a little more clearly

If I could only take a breath without gasping for the next
Without stopping to catch my breath
Maybe then I could raise my eyes to the heavens

If I could only pray without fighting through the fog
The neverending, ceaseless fog
Maybe then I could also know you're near me

If I keep pushing, trudging, and make it through the day
What will the next day hold?
Will this one be the same as the next?

This thing... the thing I call trusting with my eyes closed
Breathing with my eyes closed
Walking with my eyes closed
Did you know that it would be this way?

If I know you... and I believe that I do
Then I know that you've got me in your hand
If I've caught a glimpse of you... and I believe that I have
Then I know that you've caught a glimpse of me too

So much more than a glimpse into the depths of my heart
Into the valleys of my soul
Into the emptiness, the wasteland

If you see me here... and I know that you do
Won't you give me relief?
If you are holding me here... and I know that you are
Won't you let me rest in your arms?

If I could for just a few minutes have an end to this relentless thing...
This trusting with my eyes closed
Maybe then I could follow a little more near

All Things New

They say that this summer has been one of the hottest and dryest in dallas for a long time.  I wouldn't know the difference.  I just know it's hot. really really hot.  But this past week we had rain.  Praise the Lord for rain... two days of it.  A lot of it... so much that it was actually 87 degrees in the late afternoon.  The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing.  It was a beautiful day, the kind that tells you school is back in session, friends are returning, everyone is out on the front lawn playing ultimate frisbee and laying on blankets and playing the guitar.  Although i dont really miss school, it was weird not being there when everyone went back. 

Ive been trying to motivate myself for quite a while to start really exercising.  I know that it would really help with certain struggles, but its been SO HOT... but I realized that now is the time.  Its the time to get rid of some struggles and I have to do whatever I can to do so.  If exercise is one of those, then exercise Imust.  So yesterday was the beginning. it was such an incredibly beautiful day, so my roomie and I went to white rock lake to run.  Well, she ran, I walked.  Everyone was out. Runners, walkers, bikers, old people, young people... people with dogs, people with babies, lots and lots of people. we went close to sunset, so it was the perfect time of day. My mind began to clear and life became simple. To walk in the sun, feel the breeze, just be.

The great thing about that time of day is the contrast of shadow and light.  Sunshine filtering through the leaves on the trees. the way the shadow and light highlights the bark on the trees, the rocks on the ground, the cracks in the road, the ditches in the ground.  Lovely.  The contrast fascinates me and I found myself wishing I were a professional photographer so i could capture each and every moment of that afternoon.  When life takes a deep breath, lets it go, and drinks in the moment.

As I walked, I started thinking about shadows and light.  Its funny to me how I'm so drawn to it all.  Yet I can't resist.  I love the way light illuminates shadows, creeps in through the back door and makes things bright again.  Light speaks to me. It makes me feel a live.  It makes me feel new.

And then, I will dance

I have had so many thoughts just running constantly through my mind, and I can't seem to quiet them. A good friend came to see me this past weekend. Her mother and my dad went to camp together way back when, and then our parents all knew eachother in the college days. Our parents have been friends since, and we were thrown together in the process.

Somehow being around old friends allows us to catch a glimpse of how we have changed. I didn't realize how much I have changed over the past 7 months until she came. God has a funny way of making changes in our lives, and how incredibly true is it that the change we remember the most are the hard changes.

God has continued to strip away all the things in my life that are unnecessary and unhealthy, and it's been so difficult. If you have gone through this, you understand me. A story that the minister at church told on Sunday put all of this in a new perspective for me.

He told of a young girl, still being potty trained, that didn't quite make it to the bathroom. Her father took her to her room and lay her on the bed to change her clothes. She kept wiggling and moving around so much that he couldn't change her clothes. Finally he told her that if she didn't stop moving around that she would fall into the trashcan beside the bed. This quieted her down for a minute, but she soon started to wiggle again. He reminded her of the trashcan, and when he did, she responded, "Yes, daddy, I will. But you will get me out, and then I will dance."

Everyone laughed at her response, but it struck somewhere inside me. As of late, I have experienced sad days, good days, lots of up and down days, full of trying to understand why God asks certain things of me. And frankly, I felt like I was sitting in a wasteland some of those days... a wasteland of the soul.. the soul that knew no joy and could feel no hope for tomorrow, waiting in the darkness for His mighty hand to reach down and save me. One of those questions that I ask a million times over again is why I have to struggle with depression. Maybe its my thorn in my side, constantly reminding me that his grace is sufficient, reminding me that no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect, reminding me that the longer I fight what God is trying to do in me, the longer I keep myself from getting to where he wants me to be and experiencing his joy.

As I overcome these thoughts and misconceptions/misperceptions about life and spirituality and God and Jesus... and myself in the midst of it all, I start to see things a little more clearly. I find that even though I still dont feel like I have much to offer, I find moments where I want so badly to give something to someone... anyone. No matter whether its a card or helping someone load their groceries into their car... I think God is showing me day by day how to take the passion that I saw in Monterrey and transform it to fit this life here. I did something this weekend that made my friend stop and ask me why... It was one of those things that I did without really stopping to think about. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And when she asked me why I did it, I realized that my heart had become soft again. I had to explain to her that in all of my brokenness and need, God had taught me how to see the need of others, and who am I to turn my face away from that?

So... To carry on with the story of the little girl... I feel like God has seen me sitting in my wasteland of the soul and has taken my hands to lift me out into the clean, bright freshness of his grace. But.. instead of letting go of my hands to let me dance and twirl on my own, he still holds me there leading me in the steps. Whether it be the two step, the electric slide, salsa or tango... he has not let go of my hand... and we will dance together.

Mi Universo (My Universe)

This song by Jesus Adrian Romero has really convicted me over the past few weeks. I dont think the translation will do it justice, but I want to share it anyway.



que seas mi universo
(Be my universe)
no quiero darte sólo un rato de mi tiempo
(I don't want to give you just a little bit of my time)
no quiero separarte un día solamente
(I don't want to set aside just one day for you)
que seas mi universo
(I want you to be my universe)
no quiero darte mis palabras como gotas
(I don't want to give you my words like drops)
quiero un diluvio de alabanzas en mi boca
(I want a flood of praises in my mouth)

que seas mi universo
(Be my universe)
que seas todo lo que siento y lo que pienso
(be everything I feel and think)
que seas el primer aliento en la mañana, y la luz en mi ventana
(I want you to be the first breath in the morning,
and the light in my window)
que seas mi universo
(I want you to be my universe)
que llenes cada uno de mis pensamientos
(I want you to fill every one of my thoughts)
que tu presencia y tu poder sean mi alimento
(that your presence and power be my "nutrients")
oh Jesús es mi deseo
(Jesus is my desire)
que seas mi universo
(Be my universe)

no quiero darte sólo parte de mis años
(I dont want to give you just part of my years)
te quiero dueño de mi tiempo y de mi espacio
(I want you to be owner of my time and space)
que seas mi universo
(Be my universe)
no quiero hacer mi voluntad, quiero agradarte
(I don't want to have my way, I want to please you)
y cada sueño que hay en mi quiero entregarte
(And I want to give you all of my dreams)

que seas mi universo
que seas todo lo que siento y lo que pienso
que seas el primer aliento en la mañana, y la luz en mi ventana
que seas mi universo
que llenes cada uno de mis pensamientos
que tu presencia y tu poder sean mi alimento
oh Jesús es mi deseo
que seas mi universo

Trying to Make Sense of Things

I've been really pensive lately as school has been out for a month. I have had a lot of time to just slow down and relax. It has been a time of reevaluating life and searching.

I hope every young adult goes through times like these. After we graduate college and go off into the real world and get a real job, it is kind of a shock to the system. There are times that I wish I could go back to school and be with my friends for just a little while... Midnight Oil, nertz, ultimate frisbee, Gilmore Girl marathons; you name it, I have missed it.

I look around here and see all these new things that God has brough into my life, and I'm still wondering why. Right now, though, it's not so much the "why?" but the "what am i supposed to do with all of this?" I just want to make sense of it all. It was especially hard to come back after being in Mexico for a week. There's something about going to Monterrey, as I have for the past 3 summers, and being with those people. They really live life. Some of them have next to nothing, but they would still give you the clothes off their back. I think that's why I miss it so much is because to them it's all about relationships and people. I long to have a heart like they do. I long to give like they do and love like they do - purely and unconditionally and expecting nothing in return. Passion. They live with passion. I want that. I want to love with passion, pray with passion, live with passion. Sometimes I look around me and just want to scream at the top of my lungs... Wake up! Just wake up and open your eyes! Live life, appreciate the people around you! Just make an effort to do something that for once has nothing to do with yourself that will bless someone else. This is what I long for... this unbridled, untamed love that Christ loves us with. If I could just learn to love like He does... maybe then life would make more sense. Or maybe it wouldn't matter that it didn't.

I Am

I Am
Nicole Nordeman



Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn’t always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
You watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if you can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And You said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am

A Good Rule of Thumb

"These mansions are more like monstrosities. Who wants to live in something that resembles a federal building, English boarding school, or mausoleum? The rule of thumb for the perfect house size is that one person screaming for toilet paper can be heard at the other end of the house. If this rule doesn't work, the house is too big."

-Joanne Groshardt

"It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong
man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though
checkered by failure, than to rank with those spirits who neither enjoy nor
suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither
victory nor defeat."

-Theodore Roosevelt