It frustrates me because the Lord knows my heart, he knows what I long for. He knows that I am not at home here, that I'd rather live with the poor in Latin America than with the rich or even middle class here in the states. Why am I here? I know that He's teaching me, I know that He's molding me, but the problem is that He's ALWAYS going to be teaching me and molding me! That's never going to end! I mean really... will there ever come a day that I will say, okay Lord, I think I've fixed everything that needs to be fixed, so now you can move me or bring me someone... no, b/c I cant fix myself. Will there ever be a day that I say, okay you've changed me enough, so its time bring it now...whatever it is... no. Because there will always be something that he's changing in me and always something that needs to improve. How am I supposed to be ready for something if He does not decide that I am ready? And how do I know when that is? How am I supposed to know what he wants from me when I feel like I'm in a bubble and suffocating? Don't get me wrong, I do love my new job. I do... and I love that God is helping me get a grasp on this depression stuff. But at the rate that this is going, I feel like I have to be free from my depression before he ever brings me someone... like its something that's in the way. And then I ask, do I not depend on him enough? Do I not read my Bible enough? Do I not pray enough? Is that why its not happening to me, as if God making my hearts desires come true were dependent on how much I read or pray. No, God making my dreams come true is only a matter of his grace, not what I do or not do... but those are my thought processes. What do I have to DO to get God to give me the desires of my heart. What makes someone ready vs. not ready?
So I cry out to God "how long... how long will you make me wait?" And then I think... just a little longer, till I'm not tired of waiting anymore. but does that happen? It seems as though the heart just grows apathetic when it doesnt have anything to hope for.
Do I have anything to hope for? ..Yes.. but as of this moment, i dont hope for things. I am thankful for thigns, but I dont hope for things. I am thankful for my job at the church. I am thankful that I'm sleeping better. I'm thankful for my family, that my parents are still married and that my brother found an incredible, Godly wife. I'm thankful for my friends. They've seen the best and worst in me and still haven't walked away from me. I'm thankful that I speak Spanish, that I was able to spend a year and a half in Latin America, that I can communicate with people of another culture. I'm thankful that there are people out there doing what I want to do with the rest of my life - working with people trapped in modern-day slavery. I am thankful that I have a car, even though its a piece of poop. I'm thankful that I have clothes and food and shoes and socks... hot water for showers and hot tea, a bed to sleep in, a closet to put clothes in... 10 fingers and ten toes! I'm thankful that I don't have a major illness or that I don't have to be fed through a tube. I am thankful that I can walk on my own, that I can use my hands, that I can see and speak and hear. I am thankful for all of these things and more! But do I hope for things? No. I have a dream of moving back to Latin America, of adopting kids, of working with orphans or kids sold into prostitution or street kids or anything of the sort... just poor, broken people. It seems like a noble enough dream, right, to help those less fortunate? Its definitely a God-given burden, because I live in the middle of prosperity here in Dallas, and none of them seem to really know that people are still sold as slaves or that others live in the middle of a garbage dump that stretches for miles and miles and that all they do all day long is look for stuff to recycle so that they can make a couple of bucks day to just survive... and that kids run around in the dump without shoes or socks, maybe a shirt and shorts if they're lucky... and that they share their homes with pigs larger than humans and vultures larger than giants, and dump trucks that make the earth quake when it passes by... They don't seem to know that this bubble that we live in isn't really real. I don't want to stay here. I dont want to become comfortable. I don't want to acquire nice things and nice clothes or a nice car... I dont want a big diamond ring, or any diamond ring at all! Give me a piece of string or a coconut ring for all I care! I have seen too much in this life, I have witnessed too much to shut my eyes to it, to turn my back and pretend I didn't see. And so living here and climbing up some ladder and accumulating things does not fit very well in my life. I only want what in the end really matters... to make a lasting, eternal difference for the glory of God. And I would really like to share that with someone who shares the same vision.
So... this is my heart screaming out loud. That's what it sounds like. I haven't held back on this one because I'm tired of censoring my thoughts for the sake of "what will they think or say?" The Lord knows, he's heard it all before. But this time the cries are louder than usual, and for any relief, I have to write it down. I have to get it out of my head and out there.. wherever there is...
The thing about hope is that it's too difficult. I don't feel like I have the luxury of hoping for things. Because when I hope for things, there's too much room for let down. I know that its a lie from the pit of hell. I know that its not what the cross is all about. The only thing that I find myself hoping for is the day that will turn into an eternity with him. That's the only sure thing that I can hope for! Because in the end, all else seems fleeting. In the end, does the gospel depend on me marrying someone? Does it depend on my living here or moving to Latin America? Does it depend on whether or not I work with street kids? ...Not really... Because when it comes down to it, the Lord will use whoever He wants to use to spread his word, and He's already won the battle. What matters is that his truth is preached and that his love is spread all over, no matter where I am or who I am with or what I do. What matters is that God is glorified.
So... is the key then to hope IN things or hope FOR things? I cannot put my hope in man, because he will surely let me down. I cannot put my hope in things, because they aren't eternal. All that I can put my hope in is the Lord and the salvation that I have found in Him... and the hope that he's not through with me yet. But as for hoping for things... I know that its not wrong, I know that its not bad, and I know that the Lord wants us to hope for things of Him. The problem is how to shut up the lie in my head that its not worth hoping for things that I may never get, how to let hope lead me to my knees in prayer, how to not let my heart grow cold while I wait and wait and wait... and wait some more if that's what it takes.
I feel like I'm digging... Like I've gone out into a field of hardened earth and that I'm just hacking away, hashing all of this out in my heart and mind, digging, hacking, chopping away at the hard earth. Throw the weeds away, shake out the good soil, and plant some seeds. Sometimes things in life just need to be hashed out. Thankfully He's big enough to handle it, otherwise I'd be in trouble.
All I can ask for is that You, oh Lord, continue to hash out life with me and that You continue to lead me and soften me to your will, whatever that may be.
"Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live. Many are left half-read, covered by the cobwebs on the shelf. And I got a list of laws growing longer everyday, and if I keep plugging away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself. Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain. And all of my laws just cause me more pain. So I fall before you in all of my shame, ready and willing to be changed. Own me, take all that I am and heal me with the blood of the Lamb. Mold me with your gracious hand. Break me till I'm only Yours.. Own me. Oh You call me daughter, and You take my blame. And You run to meet me when I cry out your name. So I fall before You in all of my shame. Lord I am willing to be changed. Own me, take all that I am and heal me with the blood of the Lamb. Mold me, by your gracious hand, break me till I'm only Yours... Own me..." - Ginny Owens
