Wednesday, June 13, 2007

There's a Peace That Cometh After Sorrow

There's a peace that cometh after sorrow
Of hope surrendered, not of hope fulfilled;
A peace that looketh not upon to-morrow,
but calmly on a tempest that is stilled.

A peace which lives not now in joy's excesses,
Nor in the happy life of love secure;
But in the unerring strength the heart possesses
Of conflicts won while learning to endure.

A peace there is, in sacrifice secluded;
A life subdued, from will and passion free;
'Tis not the peace which over Eden brooded,
But that which triumphed in Gethsemane.

by Jessie Rose Gates

Peace That Passes Understanding

About four years ago, right after Katie died, I was going through a rough patch with another friend who'd also loved and lost Katie. It was a rough time for all of us, and I was heartbroken that I couldn't be there for her. There were many conversations with my dad about it and about wishing the hurt and pain would go away. Pain was a constant companion during those days.

Dad made a comment that I doubt I will ever forget. He was talking about with every day that passed, every day that I lived through the pain and hurt and disillusionment and everything else that comes along with losing a friend, I was digging a well. Of course the analogy sounded pretty cool, but I had no idea of the truth he spoke of. He said that during those really hard days, all that there was to do was to keep digging. He said that I would eventually hit a spring.. a well of water that would one day give me strength. I couldn't see it then, but his words were so true.

Here I am, 6 or 7 weeks away (hopefully) from moving to Kenya. I just moved in with a friend last week, finally got the stuff out of my boxes, put away in their places, I even went through bags of stuff to price them for a garage sale that I'm going to have. Everything was finally coming together. And then it all flipped. I have to move out. Totally unexpected, out-of-the-blue, throw me for a loop.

Its not the easiest thing to find a place to live for six weeks in exchange for something other than rent. I might have to move in with my parents. The only problem is that I was supposed to start work at Starbucks on Monday, and mom and dad live 45 minutes away. I could commute, but I need to sell my car. And there's really no point in communting 45 minutes each way every day when the DFW metroplex is COVERED in Starbucks. Then there's the DART system, which I have no idea how to use. Dallas Area Rapid Transit is a phenomenon to me, and I would have no idea where to start in trying to figure it out. But, I've always loved public transportation - its a great time for people watching.

So with that, and nannying 5 and 7 year old sisters that are constantly at each others throats, things have been pretty rough lately. I sit here just flat out exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally. Thank goodness for morning cartoons! Other than the occasional need to be the center of attention, Rachel is really easy to care for in the mornings. Her sister is off at school, so things are really quiet. Now's the time to gather thoughts, sort them out, and release them to the Lord.

Moving in with mom and dad wouldn't be bad at all. While I was talking to mom, trying to hold back tears yesterday from all that was going on, she simply said.. "We weren't expecting it, but we will get through it. It will be okay." I find hope and strength in that. I've come to the opinion that things going wrong is sometimes a good sign. Not like a sign, sign... but I would tend to worry if nothing at all went wrong. It just seems like the more important things are, the harder we have to fight for them, especially when they have spiritual implications.

I am frustrated and I don't understand most of what's going on, and really, I could use a good nap.. but I can see now that I understand my dad's analogy about the well. Had I not gone through hard, frustrating things in life, something like this would send me over the edge. If God hadn't shown me his constant faithfulness over and over again throughout the years, I would not trust in him today. I know my nature and I know my human heart. It is not capable in believing in anything on its own.. it takes the grace of the Savior to get me that far, let alone take my focus off myself for any amount of time. There's a song by T.J. McCloud called "I Am":

"I am impatient, impulsive, irrational at times. And I am ungrateful in this heart so full of pride. I can be rude, and I don't tell the truth all of the time. All this is true, and then there's you - everything that I am not

You are I AM, and I am not worthy of the blood of the Lamb that you spilled for me and I would never offer anything, but I've been covered up by you, the I AM.

I am so fleeting, so faithless, so full of my desires. And I am unworthy of this love that lifts me high. When the best that I do is as rags unto you, still you give me your love. You are all that is true - the great I AM, and everything that I am not

You are I AM, and I am not worthy of the blood of the Lamb that you spilled for me
and I would never offer anything, but I've been covered up by you, the I AM.

I am covered in love by the I AM, something I just can't understand. You make me new again and again, again and again...

You are I AM, and I am not worthy of the blood of the Lamb that you spilled for me
and I would never offer anything, but I've been covered up by you, the I AM."


So I've come to this place and I don't understand what the heck is going on, but I can't get past the fact that He sees and He knows. Despite the fact that everything has been thrown all over the place and flipped upside-down and every which way possible.. I still trust and believe that I am supposed to be in Kenya this fall. There's a peace that passes understanding ... and it truly passes understanding.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Killer Stress

So the past week has been... stressful. Nat's new roommate is moving her stuff in as her lease is ending soon, and so things are out of their usual messy-order and thrown into an unusually messy-order, boxes stacked on eachother, my paintings stacked on top of Natalie's piano, etc. You get the idea. And then I realize.. oh.. I have to move out so she can move in.. and I should probably start packing then? One would assume, yes. So with the ever-sturdy, ever-trustworthy liquor boxes in hand, I begin to tear apart, throw away, reminisce, etc.. which we've already talked about. But with all of this comes less sleep. I'm a light sleeper when it comes to the subconscious. Meaning, if there's anything at all going on in life at the time, chances are I won't sleep. As there happens to be just a little bit going on right now, there's been a little less sleep... maybe I'll get 3 or 4 hours a night if I'm lucky? Needless to say, I've gone into work late this week ('cause I have a super cool boss and since I work for a church, I can. :)) but I've also stayed late. So today, it was 11:30ish that I went in, but I didn't leave until after 9. It was the last day, so there was more than usual. Lots of things to wrap up, notes to leave on where things where, and since one of my co-workers had his 4 year old daughter there today, lots of balloons to blow up and let fly away.. and more blowing up.. and flying away. After I got home I had to finish packing because my room had self-exploded all over the place. Then my friend Laurie called around.. I don't know when, and as soon as I saw her name on my caller id, I realized that the case studies I'd promised to translate for her were still in my car.. translated, but not in her hands. She's flying out to Mexico tomorrow on a mission trip.

I keep trying to find something just really funny in the midst of all this because I'm gonna need some major stress relief SOON. I guess the question is how to survive the moment by moment changes that these next few months will bring.. moving in with my friend until August, interviewing for a new job and praying that they don't ask me how long I see myself there, moving out of my friend's house, quitting my new job, packing for Kenya, and then moving to Kenya.. for 5 months.

Honestly, bucket baths and generated electricity are sounding REALLY good right now. It's like a forced down time. I just can't wait to meet the kids and teachers.

I'm so thankful that the Lord prepares our hearts for different phases of life. That's just the most gracious, merciful thing He could do really... How would we survive otherwise?