Peace That Passes Understanding

About four years ago, right after Katie died, I was going through a rough patch with another friend who'd also loved and lost Katie. It was a rough time for all of us, and I was heartbroken that I couldn't be there for her. There were many conversations with my dad about it and about wishing the hurt and pain would go away. Pain was a constant companion during those days.

Dad made a comment that I doubt I will ever forget. He was talking about with every day that passed, every day that I lived through the pain and hurt and disillusionment and everything else that comes along with losing a friend, I was digging a well. Of course the analogy sounded pretty cool, but I had no idea of the truth he spoke of. He said that during those really hard days, all that there was to do was to keep digging. He said that I would eventually hit a spring.. a well of water that would one day give me strength. I couldn't see it then, but his words were so true.

Here I am, 6 or 7 weeks away (hopefully) from moving to Kenya. I just moved in with a friend last week, finally got the stuff out of my boxes, put away in their places, I even went through bags of stuff to price them for a garage sale that I'm going to have. Everything was finally coming together. And then it all flipped. I have to move out. Totally unexpected, out-of-the-blue, throw me for a loop.

Its not the easiest thing to find a place to live for six weeks in exchange for something other than rent. I might have to move in with my parents. The only problem is that I was supposed to start work at Starbucks on Monday, and mom and dad live 45 minutes away. I could commute, but I need to sell my car. And there's really no point in communting 45 minutes each way every day when the DFW metroplex is COVERED in Starbucks. Then there's the DART system, which I have no idea how to use. Dallas Area Rapid Transit is a phenomenon to me, and I would have no idea where to start in trying to figure it out. But, I've always loved public transportation - its a great time for people watching.

So with that, and nannying 5 and 7 year old sisters that are constantly at each others throats, things have been pretty rough lately. I sit here just flat out exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally. Thank goodness for morning cartoons! Other than the occasional need to be the center of attention, Rachel is really easy to care for in the mornings. Her sister is off at school, so things are really quiet. Now's the time to gather thoughts, sort them out, and release them to the Lord.

Moving in with mom and dad wouldn't be bad at all. While I was talking to mom, trying to hold back tears yesterday from all that was going on, she simply said.. "We weren't expecting it, but we will get through it. It will be okay." I find hope and strength in that. I've come to the opinion that things going wrong is sometimes a good sign. Not like a sign, sign... but I would tend to worry if nothing at all went wrong. It just seems like the more important things are, the harder we have to fight for them, especially when they have spiritual implications.

I am frustrated and I don't understand most of what's going on, and really, I could use a good nap.. but I can see now that I understand my dad's analogy about the well. Had I not gone through hard, frustrating things in life, something like this would send me over the edge. If God hadn't shown me his constant faithfulness over and over again throughout the years, I would not trust in him today. I know my nature and I know my human heart. It is not capable in believing in anything on its own.. it takes the grace of the Savior to get me that far, let alone take my focus off myself for any amount of time. There's a song by T.J. McCloud called "I Am":

"I am impatient, impulsive, irrational at times. And I am ungrateful in this heart so full of pride. I can be rude, and I don't tell the truth all of the time. All this is true, and then there's you - everything that I am not

You are I AM, and I am not worthy of the blood of the Lamb that you spilled for me and I would never offer anything, but I've been covered up by you, the I AM.

I am so fleeting, so faithless, so full of my desires. And I am unworthy of this love that lifts me high. When the best that I do is as rags unto you, still you give me your love. You are all that is true - the great I AM, and everything that I am not

You are I AM, and I am not worthy of the blood of the Lamb that you spilled for me
and I would never offer anything, but I've been covered up by you, the I AM.

I am covered in love by the I AM, something I just can't understand. You make me new again and again, again and again...

You are I AM, and I am not worthy of the blood of the Lamb that you spilled for me
and I would never offer anything, but I've been covered up by you, the I AM."


So I've come to this place and I don't understand what the heck is going on, but I can't get past the fact that He sees and He knows. Despite the fact that everything has been thrown all over the place and flipped upside-down and every which way possible.. I still trust and believe that I am supposed to be in Kenya this fall. There's a peace that passes understanding ... and it truly passes understanding.