I went home this past week to be with my family for Christmas. It's still hard to split my time between my parents, and I still tiptoe around the topic of one when I'm with the other. I had a confrontation of sorts with my dad one day. It's really difficult to believe someone has truly chosen something which isn't in his or her best interest, but no matter how many different ways you explain it, it goes in one ear and out the other. I hate feeling like he listens to everyone else but his children. But at the end of the day, its his choice, its his life. I cannot choose for him, and I really wish I could have faith that he's making the right decision. I think one of the hardest things is to suddenly one day realize your parents are people just like you and me. They make mistakes, they have baggage, and they're broken, too.
So many times their brokenness and baggage gets passed down from generation to generation, which creates a cycle of destructive behavior and abuse if its not handled correctly. I look around me and see so many people who have been through much worse things than I have, and I wonder how they're still walking and breathing today. Sometimes I think its a miracle we turn out as whole as we do.
I am so thankful my parents don't put me in the middle or use me against eachother... I cannot imagine how difficult and heartbreaking that must be. But no matter how much I disagree with so many of their choices, I'm learning that good or bad, those were their choices and now we all deal with the consequences. I've definitely learned from their mistakes, and I pray certain aspects of both sides of my family do not carry on through me in the future. My mother wanted those things to end with her and my dad, and maybe the end result is the divorce. Maybe my brother and I had to go through this with them in order to learn from their mistakes and not allow those things to carry on past us. I will not pass those things on to any children I may have in the future.
I have so many thoughts on cycles of poverty, abuse, lack of education, etc. I get so frustrated with parents of our kids at my internship, but I have to realize many times these parents are doing the best they can. I have to wonder what kind of parents they grew up with. Considering their parents behavior, anything better than that, although not healthy and constructive, is probably considered okay as long as they aren't treating their kids as poorly as they were treated as children. Does that make sense?
It's late and I'm rambling now, but maybe someone can understand my ramblings and hopefully identify with them. I'd love to hear your thoughts either way. Leave a comment, I'll respond. Let's dialogue with eachother.
