I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. ...we didn't break, we didn't burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am... - Jason Mraz
Over the past couple of months, I've slowly been getting to know my neighbors and the ministry they are a part of. They're just a bunch of young people living side by side with their neighbors and loving them in their imperfectness. Tonight I went to the girls' Bible study and met a bunch of the women leaders and neighborhood girls. My old self would have been petrified at the thought of purposefully walking into a room of strangers, but I found myself peacefully excited.
After the Bible study, a bunch of us went to Chick-fil-A for dinner. We sat for over an hour just talking about life, the kids, work, etc. And for the first time in a really, really long time, I felt like I had something in common with them; not just my degree or my religious or political beliefs, but a deep commonality that I haven't experienced in a very long time, if ever. I've met kindred spirits here and there, and I wouldn't necessarily say these girls are kindred spirits. But they're of one heart and one mind when it comes to our Savior and to these kids and our neighborhood... and I share it with them.
There's a song I sang at the one year anniversary of my best friend's death 10 years ago. I found myself listening to it again a few days ago, and I identify with the words now more than I did then. Although I feel like more of life is broken now than it was 10 years ago, I am beginning to find beauty in how He is putting it back together.
Take a minute to watch the video, listen to the lyrics:
"Less Like Scars"
by Sara Groves
It's been a hard year, but I'm climbing out of the rubble These lessons are hard, healing
changes are subtle But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like
building Less like captive, more like willing Less like breakdown, more
like surrender Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here and
you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful It seemed out of my hands,
a bad situation But you are able And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like character
Less like a prison, more
like my room It's less like a casket, more like a womb Less like dying,
more like transcending Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here, and
you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful It seemed out of my hands,
a bad situation But you are able And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a
thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you And I
want you here And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful It seemed out of
my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain
and hurt Look less like scars
The sound of the gentle rain calms my fragmented thoughts and soothes my throbbing head. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night or past 6am. I'm starting to accept sleeplessness for what it is.
They say if you can't sleep, you shouldn't lay awake in bed any longer than 20 minutes. Your body gets used to doing other things in bed and begins to associate it with wakefulness. As frustrating as it is waking up hours before I need to, I find this morning to be peaceful.
The sound of the rain mixes with the hum of the train, the soft patter of my neighbors waking up, the sounds of the neighborhood coming to life.
I never take time to just be. Even when I'm not working on a paper or reading an article, music is in the background. There is always some noise to distract from lingering thoughts which dare to intrude unwelcomed by my heart and mind. Maybe its time to confront them head on. Maybe its time to let them come, embrace them for what they are and then let them go.
