Human Slingshots

I just want to bury myself in a dark hole, wrap myself in a blanket, and sleep. I want to forget about this broken world and the state of sin that we all live in. I long to be with my Savior. But since I am still here, I just want to hide. My soul feels tired, stretched out, waiting to be released.

My heart is with the poor. I'm in the middle of reading tons of books on modern-day slavery and human trafficking, watching whatever video I can that has anything to do with it, constantly thinking, trying to come up with different possibilities that might make a difference. My heart longs to be somewhere, anywhere, helping those that cannot help themselves. It makes so many things here seem pointless. That's something I'm fighting against. I watched the movie Tsotsi right before going to play cards with my friends tonight. I probably should have waited, because it broke my heart. So much of the world lives the way Tsotsi did in the movie. Doing whatever it takes to make ends meet, to make the pain go away, anything to survive. Few find enough hope to change things or do the right thing, depending on their circumstances.

I know I'm just rambling now, but I did realize tonight that my guard is still up. I thought it was down. It's not. It's still there. And right now, I can barely breathe. There's still that voice inside saying, "If you really knew me, you wouldn't give me the time of day.. so I'll show you enough to let you think you know me, but not enough so that you run away." Maybe its something we all do. I think its part of human nature.

I feel stretched, like a slingshot. Just when I think that the Lord can't break me anymore, He finds a new way and pulls me back a little further, Aunt Gayle passed away a few weeks ago with a lot of unresolved issues with her brothers; a little farther, Grandma's Alzheimers is so bad that she doesn't know me anymore; a little farther... the tension grows, you'd think the slingshot would have snapped in two by now. Still a little further, and a little further. Every now and then, the reminder comes that He hasn't forgotten me here, that even though he keeps pulling me back further and further, just when I least expect it, He's going to let go and let me go flying in all His glory and grace. Hopefully that day will come soon when He will release me to live out the passion in my heart. Until that day I have to remember to take hope in that He's preparing me. With each tug, pull, break he is molding me and shaping me.

So in the meantime, I have to not let myself run away.