Unwanted

They tell us over and over in class and in our field placements not to let our own personal feelings get in the way of our service to the client. Do not project beliefs onto the client, do not counter-transfer feelings onto the client... all that technical jargon... I'm impressed that I've kept it under wraps this far. I was seriously tested yesterday, though, when a situation came up between a mother and son. I won't give details, but let's just say the mother's lack of concern was incredibly difficult to hear about and watch. Thankfully the situation was handled quickly, but for a little while my heart was breaking for him.

The hard part was knowing how normal the experience was in his world. He knows his mom doesn't want him. As I sit here and think about that, I can't wrap my mind around how that must feel, and I definitely can't wrap my heart around it. I feel so protective of these kids, and when I think about putting myself in some of their shoes, I feel paralyzed... I wouldn't survive a day, let alone 12, 14, 16 years. I cannot fathom what it feels like to not be loved by my parents. I got everything I needed and then some, and I never questioned their love for me.

I realize I'm trying to figure out what use this stark contrast of experiences might serve in my field placement. I can't understand what he thinks and feels when he thinks about his mom. But can I take what I know and have learned from my parents and use that to serve these kids well? Will that make a difference?

The Loner

My best friend and I had one of those conversations the other day where you see yourself as you really are, and you're not exactly happy with what you see. She and I have been through a lot together. She's seen the best and the worst in me and hasn't walked away. She's earned the right to be brutally honest with me, especially when I don't want to listen.

In a nutshell, she's worried about me. I've got a set of pretty good defense mechanisms that I use without even realizing it, and a lot of times it keeps me from community and I miss out on some pretty fantastic people. My rationale? If I am a loner by choice, at least I know it's because I chose it and not because they didn't respond to my efforts. So many times I've put myself out there for people, only to be met with... well, nothing. I'm very much an introvert, so I have to purposefully put myself out there to get to know people. I get tired of trying after so many times of being let down. In the end, I'm at risk of not trying at all.

I don't know how to fix something like this. I'm pretty selective about who I let in. If you ask me questions, I'm more than happy to answer, I just don't offer it without the asking. Does that make me unapproachable? Not knowing how to move past this doesn't mean don't try... I just don't know where to begin. I try to imagine what I'd say to one of my kids...

"Just because you're unsure of yourself doesn't mean take yourself out of the game. Take it step by step, day by day, interaction by interaction, person by person. And in time you'll get there, one relationship at a time."

I feel something in me churning to be better, do better. To love more, love bigger. To not be afraid of vulnerability. All the "what-ifs" keep clouding my mind.

"What's the worst that could happen? You don't become friends with that person, maybe your feelings get hurt from the rejection. But you pick yourself up and you dust yourself off, because tomorrow is a new day, and with each of these new experiences, you are becoming a new person. A stronger person."

Its time I take my own advice.