Learning to Say I'm Sorry

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I got into a fight with my roommate the other day (love you, Anna) and have since found myself lost in thought about what it really means to be sorry. I remember thinking about this when I was in Kenya back in 2007, and this fight just brought old thoughts up again. Living in such close quarters like we did in Sang'alo with a rat burrowing in random nooks, no running water, no electricity and donkeys and pigeons for alarm clocks tended to bring out the worst in us, things in us we didn't know were there. Some days anything could send us over the edge. Simple misunderstandings would escalate into huge fights. I remember a couple times thinking and worrying that my friendship with one of the girls would never be the same after we got home.

There's something in me, and I think in all of us, that feels justified, almost entitled, in our "rightness" or reasons. It's one thing to apologize if the other person knows their also in the wrong and also says they're sorry... but what if they don't? Or worse yet, what if they do know they're wrong but still don't apologize? The pride in me swells up and I feel that pride, that entitlement and justification saying "well, if they don't apologize, I'm not going to." But at the end of the day, its my heart at risk of growing bitter by my unwillingness.

See, I think that if I can learn to say I'm sorry whether I'm right or not, whether the other person is right or not, not only will that put my pride in its place, but it does some sort of "soul stretching" that is much needed. What good does it do to sit there and stew inside and just let the problem fester? There was one specific instance in Kenya that I remember feeling extremely justified in my behavior and feeling very hurt by this other person's attitude towards me. I was so upset that I was willing to leave for Nairobi, sooner than intended, on a bus by myself (which would have been complete lunacy on my part). But after a good talking-to by my dear friend, I realized that right or not, justified or not, I had to apologize for the good of the team. I couldn't go to Nairobi by myself during election season, and I couldn't leave the situation like that, especially because it would have brought a sort of dishonor on the tribe we stayed with for having let me go in that manner. I learned that my actions (or in-actions) affect everybody around me, even if they're not directly involved.

Donald Miller put it so beautifully in Blue Like Jazz when he said,  


"I think every conscious person, every person that is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has      a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest."  


...This needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest...  I see it and I feel it so acutely sometimes and I'm embarrassed to know that its there. Aren't I supposed to be able to tame it and keep it in its cage by now? You'd think that after so long we'd learn how to manage that part of our nature.  But I think the real pain comes from the truth that it makes me see about myself. I have a needy beast living in my chest and no matter how old I am or how much life I've lived or how many lessons I learn about communication, that beast at some point or another will find a way to growl its complaints and be ungrateful or angry. I can learn how to keep it in check, but after living in Kenya for 4 months I saw that there are some things that will happen just because the world doesn't revolve around me and I'll find that my reaction may not be up to par.


So maybe its about recognizing when I need to say I'm sorry, to shove, kick, drag that thing back into its cage, tell it to shut up, and say what needs to be said. I'm sorry. Don't expect an apology, don't expect to be justified, just let go of the pride swelling in my chest and be wrong. I might see the anger or pride flare up a few times before its completely quelled, but a very smart person once said that its easier to act our way into feelings than feel our way into actions. I have a feeling maybe he or she had to say they were sorry quite a bit...